And... we're off again.
The official fertile period has passed, and we're into The Waiting Bit. Or rather, The Watching Bit.
Ooh! I just shouted at someone for being an idiot! Maybe I'm pregnant?
No, they're just an idiot.
Ooh! I smell a bit funny! Am I...?
No, I just need a bath.
Ooh! My skin is all glowy and lovely! Could it be...?
No. I'm just healthy.
Ooh! My breasts are sore! Maybe...
No. My glands are swollen.
Ooh! I keep farting!
Ooh! I'm constipated!
Ooh! My toes hurt!
My body is having a laugh. It lies awake nights thinking of new and bizarre potentially-pregnant symptoms to goad me with.
And it's not even as though I've been trying very hard. I completely missed the Magical Four-Day Fertility Window, because... well... there's this thing called life. It's relentless. It happens every day, whether you like it or not. It makes you tired, and busy, and grumpy, and distracted, and has no interest whatsoever in monthly bloody cycles.
And anyway. My aunt says that the more you try, the less likely you are to conceive. That fertility kits and all that rubbish just get in the way. Spontaneity. That's what you need.
But what the fuck is that all about? Are people seriously suggesting that eeny-tiny little smelly swimmy things and itchy-titchy little eggs can tell how much you want them to meet and make friends? That the sperm are all tapping each other on the shoulder and whispering in each other's ears, "Nah, she wants it too much. Let's play bouncy castle in this giant womb instead."?
Well, I decided that The Rest Of My Life was a bit too pressing this month and that really I'd be quite happy to wait until next month, and it didn't really matter... and all I achieved was to miss The Little Opportunity Window whilst simultaneously believing that maybe if I pretended not to care I could catch the little buggers unaware. And all this means is that I'm even less likely to be pregnant than normal, but no less likely to be watching myself like a hawk.
I had a funny taste in my mouth the other day. I'm sure it was a sign...
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