Hope

You'd better hope I get pregnant quickly. Otherwise you're going to find yourself, every month, watching me drone on about my obsession with whether or not I'm pregnant.

It's such a weird thing, knowing that something momentous might be happening in your own body but not being able to tell whether it is. Watching yourself like a hawk for the tiniest sign that something might have changed. All of that is disconcerting enough, but then you throw hormones into the mix and you have a recipe for Mood Swing Central. Am I pregnant, or is it just PMT? Waaah, I'm pregnant! Waaaah, I have PMT!

And not only do I get to have massive mood swings, but I get to analyse each tiny fluctuation of mood in extreme detail to see whether it might possibly be a sign... that I'm pregnant. Or that I have PMT. Which one? WHICH ONE? And then there are the tears when it turns out to be PMT, which is bad enough at the best of times but when it acts as a giant red announcement shouting "Ner ner, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT" it could surely be cited as reasonable mitigation against a killing spree in your local Tesco.

For the last two days I have been feeling oddly buoyant. Maybe it's cos I'm pregnant, I ask myself? And I won't go into detail, but, well, I am examining myself in areas that are really best left to the professionals, and anyway I haven't got the slightest clue what I'm looking for in the first place.

And although I'm trying to deny it to myself, if I find out I'm definitely genuinely really NOT pregnant, I shall be utterly miserable. And annoyed with myself at being miserable (we've only been trying two months, for fuck's sake). And depressed at the idea I could be so utterly slave to the whims of my own fucking body.

I'll know by tomorrow morning. In the meantime, it's driving me mad. I want to know NOW. (oh no! Is this a sign? Have I got PMT?)