Monday 18 December 2006

Stop It

OK, this has got to stop.

My masseuse was asking me how things were, and I was telling her, yet again, how scared I am, how hard I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, and she, bless her, reminded me about manifestation.

I suspect we disagree slightly about exactly what manifestation is, but she reminded me of what I know is true: Mind affects matter. And then I remembered how anxiety makes me nauseous, and how there's a 40% chance I won't get ill, and my life and body are different this time round, in several significant respects.

I have to start telling myself I won't get ill.

I won't get ill. I don't have to get ill. And even if I do, it doesn't matter. I can cope. I've done the hypnotherapy. I can manage the nausea in a way I couldn't before. Maybe I can stop myself from vomiting, or make myself sip water, or at the very least cope better with constant nausea.

And I have to stop telling people it's life-threatening. "I nearly died!" This is what I say to anyone who will listen, because it's dramatic, and it turns me into an Interesting Heroine.

There's this part of me that wants to get ill. Because it will make me Important, and Dramatic, and I'll get loads of time off work. This is STUPID.

I do NOT want to get ill. I did NOT nearly die. Yes, Charlotte Bronte died of it. Yes, I would have died if I hadn't been put on a drip. Yes, the only reason they put me on a drip is because my life was in danger. But I never would have actually died. I was always only five minutes away from an IV drip. And, most importantly, I won't die next time. Not now I know the signs. Not now I understand. But even more importantly than that, I probably won't get ill.

And if I do it doesn't matter.

So. From now on I am banned from talking in melodramatic terms about illness. I am banned from assuming I'll get ill. I am banned from assuming that if I do it will be awful. It won't.

We have everything in place to cope if I get ill. I don't need to plan for it any more. I need to shoo the negative thoughts from my self-defeating brain and focus on the positive.

Sex and babies.

It sounds pretty good to me.

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