tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62304444721303984832011-04-21T22:59:54.183ZAngstridden Spluttering From a Thirty-Something Woman With Babies on Her MindOccasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.comBlogger331100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-37443129378992475452007-03-29T13:43:00.000Z2007-03-29T13:44:07.400Z

Couldn't decide when / how / whether to announce this, but thought it best to get it out of the way asap.I'm just back from the hospital, where we discovered we've lost the baby. Everything was fine until this morning, but it went downhill from there.Please don't worry about me though, I am a bouncer-backer.CheersClarexxx

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-76815739755666783932007-03-26T20:26:00.000Z2007-03-26T20:35:39.755Z

I haven't let myself think or talk about illness, as I didn't want to tempt fate. But I'm feeling pretty confident now that it's not an issue.Today I found something I've been trying to find for weeks. I remembered writing it, but couldn't remember what I'd done with it. Turns out it was on an old computer.Well, anyway. I'm not sure why I feel the need to publish it, but I do. I suppose I feel

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-35839549744328298462007-03-25T21:55:00.000Z2007-03-25T22:16:15.192Z

Hello!I know some of you worry about me, bless your little hearts, so I've come to let you know how I am. And I'm fine.I was off sick for a while, but I'm going back to work tomorrow and am miraculously well. So well I feel slightly guilty about it. And my tummy is ENORMOUS, which means I get to astound people by turning sideways and going, "Look! I'm only ten weeks pregnant and I'm showing

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-69101763052758537432007-03-14T21:34:00.000Z2007-03-14T21:36:46.712Z

I'm off sick at the moment, because I'm ill enough to find writing computer software pretty impossible.BUT I'm not as ill as I was last time, not by a long chalk. So please don't worry about me. I'm very optimistic that this phase will be over soon, and I'll be fit as a fiddle again. Certainly not planning on needing any drips. So there.

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-83821836503676336202007-03-05T10:08:00.000Z2007-03-05T10:12:56.873Z

So far, so very good indeed.Today marks the beginning of Week Seven, and that means I came through Week Six without incident.Tired a lot, occasionally nauseous, but really nothing to complain about - pretty much a model pregnancy. And God, but I am Little Miss Goody Two-Shoes, like you wouldn't believe. I'm even getting up at 6am every day to do yoga and meditation.I had to leave this place

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-69673358691420071842007-02-24T11:39:00.000Z2007-02-24T11:41:12.361Z

I might leave this blog alone for a bit. It's not really helping - it's just encouraging me to dwell on things, which is not good. See you in a few weeks.

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-83210113750922913932007-02-22T20:50:00.000Z2007-02-23T08:58:01.648Z

People just don't know how to react.It's very confusing, to be told that someone has gained a much-wanted pregnancy (yay!) and then simultaneously learn that it might nearly kill them (oh!).The standard response is for people to gloss over the illness part. There are several possible reasons for this:(1) They hear "sickness," they think "morning sickness, oh yes, I know about that, all pregnant

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-8304406089232963992007-02-22T20:49:00.000Z2007-02-22T20:50:51.538Z

It's a strange position I'm in at the moment. Although part of me is repeating the mantra I'll be fine, I'll be fine, don't worry, another part is aware that this may be my last week of comfort for a long time. I'm five weeks pregnant. The sickness kicked in at six weeks last time. Next week. Next week, it could all start happening. But how odd, to be sitting around and waiting maybe for extreme

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-26476022197640424122007-02-22T08:34:00.000Z2007-02-22T08:38:10.848Z

I am fine, by the way. Tired, but not dysfunctionally so. Occasional bouts of very faint nausea. Also bouts of energy.And, despite nagging worries that are increasing as next week approaches, I'm very happy.This is what I wanted, and life is very good. And could get even better very soon. Very glad, I am, that I have Important Project to distract me. That was good timing.

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-43914369677030848772007-02-22T08:31:00.000Z2007-02-22T08:34:23.319Z

Oh, it is a weird limbo I'm in at the moment.Next week. That's when it could all happen. That's when it kicked in last time. I'm simultaneously planning and plotting for what I'll do / how I'll cope if I get ill, and trying to tell myself that No, I won't get ill.I'm a bit scared.And trying not to be.It's doing my head in.No it's not. I'm fine. I'll be fine. It's fine.

Pamplemoussenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-60999132445732247412007-02-19T17:32:00.000Z2007-02-19T17:41:33.956Z

I'm fine, by the way.I keep getting bouts of PMT-like hormonal imbalance - i.e. I'm a grumpy unpredictable cow. No change there then. But I seem to have some of those tranquilising hormones knocking about too, which is good. I'm also farting like a trooper, and my boobs have started exuding a very particular type of Pregnancy Sweat, which has its very own smell. I remember it clearly from last

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-80544396127944634942007-02-16T08:02:00.001Z2007-02-16T08:02:43.408Z

The alarm was doing that thing it does of going off every five minutes, and I was doing that thing I do of pressing snooze and not waking up. At one point I surfaced enough to remember, this morning is the morning.And then I woke up.In the bathroom I dipped a little stick in a little pot, and started to count. Within seconds there was one pink line. I checked the instructions again. Two pink

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-21258535865996441972007-02-15T17:59:00.000Z2007-02-15T18:04:28.015Z

My partner thinks my periods are going to get later and later as long as I want to get preggers.He calls it the power of positive thinking. I call it my stupid brain making a fool of me again...Not that it's started. My period, I mean. Still no sign. But I was grumpy today. Then again, I had plenty of reasons to be grumpy.I was going to do a test tomorrow. But now that he's said that...The thing

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-53999845705512219562007-02-13T17:19:00.000Z2007-02-15T17:59:47.639Z

I just checked my diary, and it turns out my period was THREE DAYS LATE last month.I keep insisting to myself that I'm never late, and at first I just kept telling myself I must have made a mistake.But no, I didn't.Bother.

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-44376133772399496472007-02-13T17:17:00.000Z2007-02-13T15:39:31.460Z

I can't be the first person to have thought of this, but I kind of like the idea... no, I don't. I hate it. It's a rubbish idea. But it tickles me, for some reason... Evolutionarily speaking, our main purpose as animals is to procreate, which makes it the job of women to have babies and not do much else, so maybe evolution just kind of assumed that all women would always want babies at all times,

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-87933333204790052592007-02-13T13:31:00.000Z2007-02-13T13:30:54.680Z

A sudden explosion of anger, frustration and depression, all in one go. Apparently triggered by things not going well at work, but accompanied by a lingering fizzing-in-the-head which generally signifies a bout of PMT.Of course, it could be pregnancy hormones making me narky... or it could be just that I am naturally narky...My partner believes that the hoping and the wishing make your periods

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-10027898426919213972007-02-12T17:30:00.000Z2007-02-12T14:49:35.673Z

I think we might need to have a word about ginger. This is a pre-emptive thing, and please nobody feel bad, and you probably have tons of experience of ginger working for nausea / sickness... But it doesn't work on me. Never has. Been tried several times. Doesn't touch it. So let's just get that out of the way now. Don't recommend ginger. Because I might get annoyed with you, and that wouldn't

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-17662208558175969352007-02-07T22:09:00.000Z2007-02-07T22:10:24.054Z

This blog is so very specific to me and my concerns that nobody much reads it at all. It's a proper little secret corner of the internet. And now I have this mad urge to go wild and run all over the blog, whirling and shouting and taking my clothes off, shouting out obscenities and chucking custard at the walls. Just cos nobody would notice if I did.This morning, still feeling nauseous and

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-50224481549846907212007-02-07T09:38:00.001Z2007-02-07T09:40:45.526Z

I just threw up. Out of the blue, not long after getting up.I don't want it to mean I'm pregnant.Not because I don't want to be pregnant - I do. But last time, the sickness didn't start until I was six weeks pregnant. This would be only three*. It wouldn't bode well.My Important Project will be finished in three days. I'm so nearly there. But it's something I can't do when I'm nauseous. I'm

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-64692040029956075872007-02-02T22:05:00.000Z2007-02-02T22:06:04.079Z

I'm so incredibly tired. I've had a really busy week, so it's not surprising. But...And I keep getting indigestion.Just thought I'd mention.

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-2591300403786090852007-02-01T21:26:00.000Z2007-02-01T21:27:41.988Z

A week on Monday.That's when I might know.But I'm going to wait until that Friday before doing any tests.That's a whole fortnight from now![expires from impatience]

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-436039411222516612007-02-01T21:10:00.000Z2007-02-01T21:31:37.634Z

And... we're off again.The official fertile period has passed, and we're into The Waiting Bit. Or rather, The Watching Bit.Ooh! I just shouted at someone for being an idiot! Maybe I'm pregnant?No, they're just an idiot.Ooh! I smell a bit funny! Am I...?No, I just need a bath.Ooh! My skin is all glowy and lovely! Could it be...?No. I'm just healthy.Ooh! My breasts are sore! Maybe...No. My glands

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-54830448585334264392007-02-01T20:35:00.000Z2007-02-01T20:41:35.141Z

Once I'd set this anonymous blog up and posted (retrospectively) a few posts, it started to lose its appeal. It was cathartic, to be able to splurge on a whole load of stuff I hadn't been able to write about previously. But once I'd got it out of my system I didn't feel so bad about it any more, and therefore didn't feel the need to blog it.Or maybe it's just that old menstrual cycle again...

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-39496733478120888722007-01-18T20:54:00.000Z2007-01-18T20:56:12.501Z

I know, that last post was probably a bit graphic for some tastes. There’s not much point in me apologising, as I’m bound to keep doing it, but - well, sorry.I suspect the pattern of this blog will be total silence for the first two weeks of every month, followed by manic wittering as I try and get preggers and start obsessing about whether I am or not.People keep telling me that it works much

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-71599801681695556082007-01-15T21:58:00.000Z2007-01-15T22:18:10.595Z

On Friday morning I was there again, in the loo, inspecting the bogroll for Signs.And there it was. A sign.My period was a day late, you see. And this is rare, these days. Ever since Child No. 1 was born, I've been regular.This is a good thing. With Child No. 1, I waited a fortnight to do a test because lateness was normal, and I couldn't bear the disappointment of a negative result.But now, one

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-91856115464161022222007-01-12T21:31:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:32:39.097Z

You'd better hope I get pregnant quickly. Otherwise you're going to find yourself, every month, watching me drone on about my obsession with whether or not I'm pregnant. It's such a weird thing, knowing that something momentous might be happening in your own body but not being able to tell whether it is. Watching yourself like a hawk for the tiniest sign that something might have changed. All of

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-21869134583446917052007-01-10T21:56:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:58:33.986Z

I've bought a tiny wee packet of scratch mittens, with a picture of a zebra.One of the mittens lives in my pocket, and I can put my hand in whenever I want. If I put one finger inside it, it mimics a tiny baby's hand.Mostly it makes me close to tears, but it's a good kind of crying I think.It's my talisman. To remind me why. To distract me from negative thoughts. To remind me why.I think I might

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-8352069777610283112006-12-18T21:46:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:55:38.636Z

OK, this has got to stop.My masseuse was asking me how things were, and I was telling her, yet again, how scared I am, how hard I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, and she, bless her, reminded me about manifestation.I suspect we disagree slightly about exactly what manifestation is, but she reminded me of what I know is true: Mind affects matter. And then I remembered how anxiety makes me

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-75940645562285944952006-12-17T21:41:00.000Z2007-01-16T08:39:47.586Z

Not pregnant.Miserable.Terrified.Ill.Had a sudden attack of Fear. I was ill with 'flu on Thurs, and the temperature made me nauseous. And I remembered how hideous it is, to be nauseous and vomiting twenty-four hours a day for weeks on end. To keep nothing down. To become so dehydrated that you would die if it weren't for being put on a drip. To watch your vomit become peppered with blood. To be

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-58267550565030713282006-12-15T21:24:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:40:59.311Z

I’m angry.I’m probably angry because I have PMT, which is characterised by all-consuming irrational disconcerting anger.I’m angry because I probably have PMT, which means I’m probably not pregnant.I’m angry because I want to drink wine to make me feel better because of the PMT, but it might not be PMT, I might be pregnant, and if I am pregnant I can’t drink wine, but I’m probably NOT pregnant,

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-3911275145239354322006-12-05T21:39:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:41:44.851Z

I worked out (by the simple fact that I never throw anything away, and still have the packets in the medicine cabinet) that they already gave me the expensive drugs, the ones I thought I might have to fight for, last time I was ill. They didn't work.Phew. No fight needed there then.

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-79103066264881628822006-12-03T21:26:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:37:59.728Z

Sex for procreation is different than normal sex. It’s more moving, more intimate, and (thankfully) sexier! The anticipation of him coming, really coming, inside me, turns me on. And when he does, I feel as though he’s giving me some wonderful gift. I feel so thankful, and so loved, that he would do this for me - that he would give me the most precious thing he owns. All of which is terribly

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6230444472130398483.post-66381360793550384732006-12-01T20:10:00.000Z2007-01-15T21:41:13.761Z

Hello.I'm trying to get pregnant. I'm occasionally panicking about what will happen if I do get pregnant. I already have one child. I was very ill when I was pregnant last time, but I'm trying very hard not to think about that. Mind over matter. Self-fulfilling prophecies. That kind of thing.I can't be bothered explaining any more. I think I'll just jump straight in and inflict the contents of my

Occasionally Lostnoreply@blogger.com0